ABC for Dummies

It is nearly four months since the last post. Only the very ardent fans would still check whether any new letter has been written in the meanwhile. Unfortunately, the set of admirers who would do that is that dreaded number - zero! So I guess one doesn't need to apologize to anyone.

December! The time of the year when somehow everyone seems to wind down, slip into that pensive mood, reflect on the year gone by, and try to look forward to the next one. So today's theme is exactly that - looking back and looking forward. I am hard pressed to find a theme for this year, but then a brainwave came to me - this year was all about ABSTINENCE! And somehow it links up with what I have been doing over the last year or so.

Let me explain.

George Bush wanted to do something to help the people in Africa, Latin America and Asia who were dying of HIV/AIDS. So he put in around $15 billion, and said that every country that wanted a piece of this pie had to follow three simple letters - A, B and C. Now that is what we expect from the great man - simplifying a complicated thing because he does not get it. As one of my co-travellers explained to me in Berlin just after he got elected for his first term - the Great One's library has just one rack, full of "X for Dummies" series. Now if you substitute X for any word, like Iraq, you get the idea. So for HIV/AIDS, he has an entry called "ABC for Dummies".

Don't start trashing him just yet - it is quite a powerful idea, as I found out when I went to the Commonwealth Women Affairs Ministers' meeting in Uganda. (Timeout: just to make sure that you don't think I am gassing, photo attached). After my speech, all the women ministers from sundry sub-saharan countries started to sing praises of the ABC approach, some even going to the extent of calling it the 'only thing that will save the human race'. Later on during the visit to an AIDS orphanage (lower photo), I saw what $15 billion can buy - caring grandmoms, neat houses, schools, nutritional supplements, a future.

So WHAT is ABC? A is for abstinence, B is for being faithful and C is for condoms! Voila! The panacea for AIDS that has eluded the best scientists in the world is there for all to see. Abstain from sex, be faithful to your partner (wife) and use condoms when you transgress the boundaries of indiscretion. Believe it or not, Uganda claims that they have had a lot of success in getting the HIV prevalence down by hitting the message into the brains of promiscuous men (women were not mentioned in the meeting). I was beginning to wonder if it was all true.

The best way to test a theory is to put it into practice. So I decided to become an unwilling guinea pig. My partner and I separated early in the year, she left me to go back to her family in a distant land for the last part of the year, and I was left to contemplate the ABCs of a human relationship. In the meanwhile, I was travelling all over Asia, meeting prostitutes, homosexuals, transvestites, drug addicts and sundry other 'high-risk groups' (including AIDS bureaucrats)trying to make some sense of what was going on. I have become an expert in identifying the occupation of the girl in the corner sofa in the lobby of a 7-star hotel, tendencies of ordinary looking men in the streets of south-east Asia, and delving deep into slums in search of the people who actually have the stupidity to shoot some addictive substance up their veins. But all through this, I managed to 'abstain'! One night the revelation came to me in a hotel room in Bangkok - I had what is called the 'Vagina Monologues' syndrome. The more you deconstruct what is essentially a pleasurable activity, take away the thrill of a covert sexual encounter, or the romance of a furtive glance, you will have no problem abstaining from the carnal pleasures of life. The moment you can deconstruct sex, it becomes just an act....and as George Bush will say, it is good for controlling HIV! Holy cow!

The B and the C are straightforward. If you are lucky enough to have a partner, stick to her. Pamper her, don't let her out of sight, and be a good lover so that she feels contented. But always carry a Durex, it is good for you, good for the condom mafia, good for rubber plantations, good for rainforests, good for humanity at large. So in this age of global warming when even your tiny acts have a carbon 'footprint', you are a good guy, carbon-negative. Win-win for all sides. I have done my bit, a box of Durex sits unused in a corner of my necessaire....

So, on balance, 2007 has been good for me as a social animal. I have contributed to a reduction in HIV numbers as the UNAIDS has belatedly acknowledged, stayed celibate, did not violate any of the 10 commandments, and on top of that, I have helped preserve rain forests in Borneo and Amazon. What more can one ask for?

But hang on...am I happy? Darn, no! So here's wishing everyone a great 2008, full of 'DEF" - debauchery, exuberance and fornication! I don't have to explain that in a "X for Dummies" book, do I?

Cheers!